If you don’t know what a “casual dining” restaurant is, it’s basically the same as a fast-food restaurant, except they have table service and a full bar. To my mind (at least one part of it), that’s like a dream come true. I don’t seek them out, but I sometimes end up at these places while traveling. Like the time I ate at Chili’s two nights in a row, because it was the closest option to my upstate motel (a.k.a. “the lost weekend”).
Or another time when, for complicated reasons, my wife and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary at Ruby Tuesday's. (The reasons don’t involve me being cheap, unromantic, or disorganized, by the way.) I thoroughly enjoyed it: they have an impressive salad bar, the steak I ordered tasted good to me, and I threw back a couple of 22-oz. Sam Adams. What’s not to like? I suggested making it an annual affair. We could honor our union in a casual setting with lowbrow charm, proving that love doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant, I argued. Plus we'd get "uncompromising freshness & quality" and $2 off apps at the bar! I don’t know why she wouldn’t go for it.
Recently, I drifted into another one of these joints. I won't say which, but it rhymes with Snapplefee’s. Inside, there was a sign that said, “Welcome to Our Neighborhood.” That was nice, but when I looked around, we were in the middle of an empty strip-mall parking lot. This is a neighborhood no-one lives in, I thought. But then I remembered that we live in a post-modern world where marketing doesn’t relate to real things but to concepts that are more real to us than reality. So I felt “welcome.”
Looking at the menu, one item caught my eye: Nachos Neuvos. In Spanish, that means New Nachos. Apparently, they had invented a new kind, and the description was simply, “Nachos smothered in love.” I ordered it, partly to find out what love was. And I’ll tell you: to Snapplefee’s, love is a bright-orange “cheese" sauce with a chalky aftertaste. Love is some dried-out and barely seasoned ground beef, iceberg lettuce that is turning brown, a few chopped onions, and way too many jalapeño slices from a can. And that was all love was.
Yep, sometimes casual dining can really let you down. For instance, have you been to T.G.I. Friday’s? I find the place strange. For one thing, their name stands for Thank God It’s Friday’s. Besides making no grammatical sense, it’s a little presumptuous to put God in your brand name. Did they ask God’s permission? Because the food really sucks, and you’d think He would want to be associated with a better restaurant. Like maybe Ruby Tuesday's.