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CASUAL PIMPIN': TWELVE TIGHT TUNES

Entries in NOTEBOOK (74)

Thursday
May252017

Please listen carefully...

Please listen carefully to the following options, as our menu has recently changed. For billing inquiries, press 1. To schedule an appointment, press 2. For phone sex services, press 3. To hear the soothing sounds of the humpback whale, press 4. To order refills for your Pez dispenser, press 5. To have your landlord kidnapped, press 6. To listen to The Scarlet Letter in its entirety, read by Rosanne Barr, press 7. To order a medium two-topping pizza with crazy dipping bread and hot wings, press 8. For enlightenment, press 9. To replay these options, press 10. To hang up, just hang up. Put down the phone. Or you can just listen to the sound of nothing – that is technically an option. Goodbye. Oh, and we love you. Om.

Friday
Mar242017

MEALS ON WHEELS UNDER TRUMP

Even if Meals on Wheels isn’t eliminated under Trump’s budget, it is likely to be revamped. Here are the administration’s 10 best proposals for what the program will become:

1) MEALS ON WHEELS 2.0: Dessert carts at Mar-a-Lago. 

2) MEALS OR WHEELS: The homebound will have the choice of a meal or a delivery—not both. (No one will be allowed to pick up the meal for them, in case you thought of that.)

3) MEALS OF WHEELS: Seniors will be given old tires to eat. (Recycling!) 

4) WHEELS ON MEALS: A new agency that takes food away from the elderly and runs over it repeatedly with a van. 

5) WHEELS OF MEALS: Food will be pressed into a wheel shape and rolled down a mountain. If people can catch it, they can eat it.

6) MEALS OF FORTUNE: A game show in which contestants “compete to eat” (hosted by Chuck Woolery).

7) MEALS ON WHALES: Free dinners will be served on the backs of orcas, 10 miles out to sea.

8) MEALS OF EELS: All you can eat, as long as it's eels. (The eel lobby is clearly behind this one.) 

9) MEALS OF FEELS: You eat your feelings. (Literally.) 

10) DOMINO’S.

Friday
Jan272017

Bannon to Press: "Shut Your Mouth"

Yesterday Steve Bannon said that the media should "keep its mouth shut." He's mistaken, first of all, in thinking that the media has a mouth. I guess you could say that it has many mouths, but it is not a single body talking through one orifice. Also, the members of the media usually use newspaper articles, radio and TV programs, etc., to report the news or express their opinions. They don't just sit there and yap their traps - if they did, no one would notice. In fact, you could easily write an article and post it to a blog without ever opening your mouth (though you probably would, just out of habit, or if you were drinking coffee or eating a bagel). It's like Bannon thinks of the media as a disembodied mouth, as in the Beckett play Not I (pictured). But that is wrong - the media is an industry of numerous people using various modes of mass communication. It can no more shut its mouth than Steve Bannon can kiss its ass. Which, if it had one, he should.

Thursday
Nov242016

"Trump Tweets" (By Me), Last Few Days

SUN-MON:

Alexander Hamilton was a highly overrated founding father. He was very rude to Aaron Burr & should apologize immediately!

Patriotic Aaron Burr thanks me for protecting the 2nd amendment. Hillary would take his pistol away. Apologize, Hamilton!

Awkward Alexander Hamilton was never elected president. Not a hero! I like people who were president. I will do a great job!

Illegal Alexander Hamilton was born out of wedlock in the West Indies. Can't be president - not allowed. He should apologize!

Sleazy Al Hamilton had 1st US sex scandal. Mine was locker room talk, his adultery/blackmail. Disgusting subject for musical!

Sad Al Hamilton was Washington’s puppet - a totally weak main character for a Broadway show. I’m no puppet, believe me!

TUES:

My business relationship with Argentina is fantastic. Totally ethical! Remember that Hamilton must apologize to Mike Pence

I respect our 1st amendment freedom of the press. They are free to come to Trump Tower and hear me call them liars. So dishonest!

Had a wonderful meeting with members of the press. That roomful of losers couldn't interrupt me! How'd it feel, Charlie Rose?

I should've canceled yesterday's media summit. My one &only mistake. Did I really let Wolf Blitzer into my home? Never again!

Obviously I have nothing to do with Nazi groups &condemn their actions. Appreciate the hails though! Better to reach me through Steve Bannon

I denounce the offensive graffiti at a park named for Adam Yauch, a horrible Jewish rapper who corrupted our youth with...was that singing?

WED:

So, Crooked Hillary won't be locked up. I don't want to hurt the Clintons. If I wanted to, I would! Not about justice, about my feelings

The president can't have a conflict of interest. I could use a nuclear threat to get a hotel built in No Korea &it would be OK. This is fun!

The NYTimes is failing, believe me. Since Chuck Klosterman took over as the Ethicist, all downhill. Also miss Mark Bittman! JK, I don't cook

The failing NYTimes is at it again. Lying press being very rough on me by quoting what I said on record. The Gray Lady is not a nice lady!

Tuesday
Oct112016

Big Talk

I hate small talk. Instead, I’m gonna try big talk… 

On the Elevator:
“What if we all die in here? So, is death the extinction of the self, or is the self really just an illusion anyway? I mean, where were we before we were born, huh? Could somebody press 8?”

At the Copier:
"It's so weird that we're making copies when life itself is a simulacrum. Was it Umberto Eco who said the fake becomes the real in postmodernity? Anyway, I hear the universe may actually be a hologram on the surface of a black hole. Oh shit, it says replace toner."

Getting Coffee:
"Why is coffee the only thing that's fairly traded? Every other product, we don't care how it got here. It’s like, thanks to globalization, we're all complicit with injustice of mind-blowing proportions, so we’ve fetishized this one commodity in order to assuage our guilt, you know? This better not be decaf."

Wednesday
Mar092016

10 USDA Prime Trump Steaks-Related Jokes

1. You know, I think Donald Trump took “Where’s the beef?” a little too literally.
 
2. Trump said: I’m a good Christian. I loved it when Jesus did the thing with the water and the wine…and the steaks.
 
3. I don’t know if America will buy Trump Steaks, but they sure are buying Trump Bologna! (Old men out there, feel free to use that one.)
 
4. I can’t decide between the Clinton Special-Interest-Fed Filet Mignon and the Sanders Socialist Sirloin Tips (Vegan).
 
5. Waiter: May I interest you in the Jeb Bush Prime Rib? Customer: How is that prepared? Waiter: OK, we take the most expensive steak on the menu and throw it in the garbage for you. (Pause.) Please laugh.
 
6. I just found these Kasich Steak-umms in the freezer – think they’re still good?
 
7. Try the McRubio Steak Sandwich – only for a limited time.
 
8. Cruz Steaks are people!!!!!!!!!!
 
9. Do you guys like impressions? “First prize is the Republican nomination. 2nd prize is a set of Trump Steaks knives. 3rd prize is…‘you’re fired!’” – that was Arnold Schwarzenegger from Trumpgarry Trump Ross.
 
10. I’m assuming Trump Steaks are not halal, right?
 
OK, that’s my time…you guys have been great…please hire me to write for TV!