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Entries in TIM Talks (21)


Please listen carefully...

Please listen carefully to the following options, as our menu has recently changed. For billing inquiries, press 1. To schedule an appointment, press 2. For phone sex services, press 3. To hear the soothing sounds of the humpback whale, press 4. To order refills for your Pez dispenser, press 5. To have your landlord kidnapped, press 6. To listen to The Scarlet Letter in its entirety, read by Rosanne Barr, press 7. To order a medium two-topping pizza with crazy dipping bread and hot wings, press 8. For enlightenment, press 9. To replay these options, press 10. To hang up, just hang up. Put down the phone. Or you can just listen to the sound of nothing – that is technically an option. Goodbye. Oh, and we love you. Om.


Bannon to Press: "Shut Your Mouth"

Yesterday Steve Bannon said that the media should "keep its mouth shut." He's mistaken, first of all, in thinking that the media has a mouth. I guess you could say that it has many mouths, but it is not a single body talking through one orifice. Also, the members of the media usually use newspaper articles, radio and TV programs, etc., to report the news or express their opinions. They don't just sit there and yap their traps - if they did, no one would notice. In fact, you could easily write an article and post it to a blog without ever opening your mouth (though you probably would, just out of habit, or if you were drinking coffee or eating a bagel). It's like Bannon thinks of the media as a disembodied mouth, as in the Beckett play Not I (pictured). But that is wrong - the media is an industry of numerous people using various modes of mass communication. It can no more shut its mouth than Steve Bannon can kiss its ass. Which, if it had one, he should.


Big Talk

I hate small talk. Instead, I’m gonna try big talk… 

On the Elevator:
“What if we all die in here? So, is death the extinction of the self, or is the self really just an illusion anyway? I mean, where were we before we were born, huh? Could somebody press 8?”

At the Copier:
"It's so weird that we're making copies when life itself is a simulacrum. Was it Umberto Eco who said the fake becomes the real in postmodernity? Anyway, I hear the universe may actually be a hologram on the surface of a black hole. Oh shit, it says replace toner."

Getting Coffee:
"Why is coffee the only thing that's fairly traded? Every other product, we don't care how it got here. It’s like, thanks to globalization, we're all complicit with injustice of mind-blowing proportions, so we’ve fetishized this one commodity in order to assuage our guilt, you know? This better not be decaf."


10 USDA Prime Trump Steaks-Related Jokes

1. You know, I think Donald Trump took “Where’s the beef?” a little too literally.
2. Trump said: I’m a good Christian. I loved it when Jesus did the thing with the water and the wine…and the steaks.
3. I don’t know if America will buy Trump Steaks, but they sure are buying Trump Bologna! (Old men out there, feel free to use that one.)
4. I can’t decide between the Clinton Special-Interest-Fed Filet Mignon and the Sanders Socialist Sirloin Tips (Vegan).
5. Waiter: May I interest you in the Jeb Bush Prime Rib? Customer: How is that prepared? Waiter: OK, we take the most expensive steak on the menu and throw it in the garbage for you. (Pause.) Please laugh.
6. I just found these Kasich Steak-umms in the freezer – think they’re still good?
7. Try the McRubio Steak Sandwich – only for a limited time.
8. Cruz Steaks are people!!!!!!!!!!
9. Do you guys like impressions? “First prize is the Republican nomination. 2nd prize is a set of Trump Steaks knives. 3rd prize is…‘you’re fired!’” – that was Arnold Schwarzenegger from Trumpgarry Trump Ross.
10. I’m assuming Trump Steaks are not halal, right?
OK, that’s my time…you guys have been great…please hire me to write for TV!

A Pigeon Flew into My Head

A pigeon flew into my head this morning. I haven't told anyone yet. It was like someone dropped a small stack of newspapers onto my head from above. It made a thud. I looked up and a pigeon flew away. No one else saw it. I don't mean that it flew into my head, like it's still in there. This isn't magic realism. This is something that happened, and I didn't want the day to go by without mentioning it to someone. Is it good luck? Bad luck? Or do we live in a morally neutral universe where objects occasionally bump into each other at random, like a cosmic pinball machine with no score being kept and possibly not even a player? Anyway, I didn't want to get into all that. I just wanted to note that a pigeon flew into my head this morning.


2015 Was a Pretty Good Year

In 2015, I released an album of funny songs, bowled a perfect game, posed for a swimsuit calendar, mapped the human genome, got knighted, got coffee in car with Seinfeld, got schlonged by Trump, swam the Amazon, ordered from amazon, purchased Even More Legroom™, adopted a highway, sold my eggs, won a Nobel, defeated Rhonda Rousey (at chess), went public, went rogue, went to a region where certain fungal infections are common, found nirvana, toured with Nirvana, painted a Picasso, was named new Lord of the Dance, got saved, got same-sex married in 50 states, proved string theory, found the G-spot, became an Eagle Scout, looked at the man in the mirror, thought outside the bun, beat my family at Uno, and sired a colony of clones in a distant galaxy. I hope 2016 is a little more chill.