Even if Meals on Wheels isn’t eliminated under Trump’s budget, it is likely to be revamped. Here are the administration’s 10 best proposals for what the program will become:
1) MEALS ON WHEELS 2.0: Dessert carts at Mar-a-Lago.
2) MEALS OR WHEELS: The homebound will have the choice of a meal or a delivery—not both. (No one will be allowed to pick up the meal for them, in case you thought of that.)
3) MEALS OF WHEELS: Seniors will be given old tires to eat. (Recycling!)
4) WHEELS ON MEALS: A new agency that takes food away from the elderly and runs over it repeatedly with a van.
5) WHEELS OF MEALS: Food will be pressed into a wheel shape and rolled down a mountain. If people can catch it, they can eat it.
6) MEALS OF FORTUNE: A game show in which contestants “compete to eat” (hosted by Chuck Woolery).
7) MEALS ON WHALES: Free dinners will be served on the backs of orcas, 10 miles out to sea.
8) MEALS OF EELS: All you can eat, as long as it's eels. (The eel lobby is clearly behind this one.)
9) MEALS OF FEELS: You eat your feelings. (Literally.)