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See Tim perform stand-up! WATCH ON YOUTUBE

Get Tim's album on iTunes! 
CASUAL PIMPIN': TWELVE TIGHT TUNES

Thursday
May252017

Please listen carefully...

Please listen carefully to the following options, as our menu has recently changed. For billing inquiries, press 1. To schedule an appointment, press 2. For phone sex services, press 3. To hear the soothing sounds of the humpback whale, press 4. To order refills for your Pez dispenser, press 5. To have your landlord kidnapped, press 6. To listen to The Scarlet Letter in its entirety, read by Rosanne Barr, press 7. To order a medium two-topping pizza with crazy dipping bread and hot wings, press 8. For enlightenment, press 9. To replay these options, press 10. To hang up, just hang up. Put down the phone. Or you can just listen to the sound of nothing – that is technically an option. Goodbye. Oh, and we love you. Om.

Saturday
May202017

VIDEO: On Dating & Seduction

Erotic tales from a recent show...

 

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Wednesday
Apr192017

Don't Miss NO WALLS PARTY @ littlefield!

Friday
Mar242017

MEALS ON WHEELS UNDER TRUMP

Even if Meals on Wheels isn’t eliminated under Trump’s budget, it is likely to be revamped. Here are the administration’s 10 best proposals for what the program will become:

1) MEALS ON WHEELS 2.0: Dessert carts at Mar-a-Lago. 

2) MEALS OR WHEELS: The homebound will have the choice of a meal or a delivery—not both. (No one will be allowed to pick up the meal for them, in case you thought of that.)

3) MEALS OF WHEELS: Seniors will be given old tires to eat. (Recycling!) 

4) WHEELS ON MEALS: A new agency that takes food away from the elderly and runs over it repeatedly with a van. 

5) WHEELS OF MEALS: Food will be pressed into a wheel shape and rolled down a mountain. If people can catch it, they can eat it.

6) MEALS OF FORTUNE: A game show in which contestants “compete to eat” (hosted by Chuck Woolery).

7) MEALS ON WHALES: Free dinners will be served on the backs of orcas, 10 miles out to sea.

8) MEALS OF EELS: All you can eat, as long as it's eels. (The eel lobby is clearly behind this one.) 

9) MEALS OF FEELS: You eat your feelings. (Literally.) 

10) DOMINO’S.

Monday
Feb272017

Happy Chinese New Year (Music Video)

Watch my new music video, featuring Matt Park! Directed by Michelle Morrison & me. Song recorded & mixed by Orion Keyser. In the future, we'll all be Chinese!



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Friday
Jan272017

Bannon to Press: "Shut Your Mouth"

Yesterday Steve Bannon said that the media should "keep its mouth shut." He's mistaken, first of all, in thinking that the media has a mouth. I guess you could say that it has many mouths, but it is not a single body talking through one orifice. Also, the members of the media usually use newspaper articles, radio and TV programs, etc., to report the news or express their opinions. They don't just sit there and yap their traps - if they did, no one would notice. In fact, you could easily write an article and post it to a blog without ever opening your mouth (though you probably would, just out of habit, or if you were drinking coffee or eating a bagel). It's like Bannon thinks of the media as a disembodied mouth, as in the Beckett play Not I (pictured). But that is wrong - the media is an industry of numerous people using various modes of mass communication. It can no more shut its mouth than Steve Bannon can kiss its ass. Which, if it had one, he should.