A couple months ago, my credit card got hijacked. I found out when I was checking my statement online and saw two transactions I hadn’t made. One was for Christian Mingle dot com (they “find God’s match for you”). The other was for an online florist (apparently in Canada).
I thought, "I hope they had a nice Christian date."
These were the only charges, and I eventually got the money back, but I had to cancel my card and all -- a big hassle. People said to me, “At least you got some great material!” But I tried writing jokes about it, and I couldn’t. The irony was too blatant. What was there to say, other than someone had stolen my card number and used it to join this site?
So I’ve been angry about it, without any real way to express myself. Then the other night, I saw a commercial for Christian Mingle on TV. I thought, "I know…I’ll rewrite this ad to make it more truthful. I’ll put it on my blog. That’ll right this injustice once and for all!" So here goes:
(My version is a little longer than the original.)
Single Christians? Good news!
At Christian Mingle dot com, members send more that 100,000 messages a day. Without sending one of those messages, I wouldn’t have met my beautiful wife.
I would’ve just sat at home, like you, developing my hacking skills, thinking about how God wants me to keep my temple clean by not having premarital sex. And how that will be pretty easy for me because I don’t have any money to go on a date, or a credit card to join a dating site, or the ability to start a conversation with a woman in person. And how, if I were somehow able to obtain a credit card number, I wouldn’t use it for sinful purposes like downloading porn or joining a non-Christian dating site. No, I would use it in exactly the way God wanted me to.
Joining is easy and free!
Until the point when they ask you for money. But fortunately, you now have in your possession the digits of one Timothy Ellis from Brooklyn, NY. Probably a hipster, some godless hedonist who's using his card for all kinds of depraved activities anyway. So “sponsoring” your membership on a Christian website is probably one of the holier things he could do with it, right?
At Christian Mingle, we believe the Bible is the Word of God. And there is literally nothing in the Bible about credit card fraud. So hey, it’s cool!
Find God’s match for you at Christian Mingle dot com today.
(Spoken very quickly.) Satisfaction with God’s match not guaranteed, or promised within the trial period. God reserves the right to work concurrently with fraud specialists at Citibank, which could result in account cancelation. We don't control God. “The Almighty is beyond our reach and exalted in power; in His justice and great righteousness, He does not oppress.” -- Job 37:23