My Oscar Acceptance Speech

Wow…really? You picked me? I didn’t prepare a speech, ‘cause I never thought I had a chance of winning. Hey, Jack Nicholson! How's it going, Jack? I guess all I want to say is that this statue means nothing to me. I do what I do for the craft and the art and the love of it. Awards are completely meaningless, I’m sorry to tell you. I mean, a hundred years from now, no one is gonna remember who won Best Actor, or have the faintest idea who Clooney and Brad and the other nominees (sorry, I’m forgetting your names) were. OK, maybe you, Jack. In a thousand years, no one will know what a motion picture is, if the human race is even alive. In the post-global-warming wasteland, this hardware will have no value, except maybe as a weapon to club someone over the head with and steal their food.

But I guess I’d like to thank the academy for waking up and paying attention to what’s happening in the field of acting, for once. Not that what I’ve done is anything remarkable -- just the day-to-day practice of an artist totally committed to his work, living in the moment, every moment, nowhere but that moment, with a passion and sensitivity that, to me, is no different from breathing. But of all the performances that took place this year, in or out of the movies, I have to say that mine was as good as any. For I was alive, and to live is to act! You might as well give this award to a raccoon or a tree or a rock, for all I care. Well, maybe not a rock. But I humbly accept this award on behalf of all beings, everywhere.

Wait…don’t start the music! This has been a long time coming, and even though I couldn’t care less, I won Best Actor! Sure, you can say, what does “best” mean? And what is “acting”? But maybe I deserve this. Maybe I’m the best actor the world has ever known -- sorry, Jack! -- and I should just say “thank you” and go offstage. Don’t play that music!! Maybe my performance really was earth-shattering, and the movie I was in (I’m forgetting the name of it) is a great work of art. Maybe the next Flood is coming, and we here in Hollywood are building an ark for our civilization, a testament to human life on the planet. What could be more important?! When it rains, there’s a rainbow…back off, Billy Crystal!!!

I have to thank Harvey Weinstein, for some reason or other. And my agents and publicists…sorry, blanking on their names…and all the other people involved in the movie…and my wife…phew, remembered that! Wow…I am speechless.

Photo of Tim Ellis by Keith Huang.