From “It’s Cyber Monday, Charlie Brown!”

CHARLIE BROWN: I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Cyber Monday is here, but I’m not excited. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. I just don’t understand Cyber Monday, I guess. I like ordering gifts online and checking amazon for the hottest deals in electronics, but I’m not fulfilled. I always end up feeling anxious. Think of all the sales I’m not taking advantage of! (Looks at his smartphone.) Like 70%-off this Swingline Optima Reduced Effort Desktop Stapler…good grief! Maybe I'm just not a good digital consumer. And I keep seeing things I want for myself, not for others. (Looks at phone again.) Like this RCA LED55C55R120Q 55-Inch 1080p 120Hz LED HDTV. Aaaarrrrgghh!!!! Doesn’t anybody know the true meaning of Cyber Monday?

LINUS VAN PELT: Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful tradition like Cyber Monday, which benefits both the economy and the consumer, and turn it into a personal crisis.

(Both Charlie Brown and Linus stare at their phones, as jazzy piano music plays.)

Less “Wonderful” Times of Year Speak Out

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” So says a popular song heard -- when else? -- this time of year. But is this annual ranking of seasonal delight too Christmas-centric? And, true or not, how does saying so make other times of the year feel? Today, some of them speak openly about Yuletide prejudice:

VALENTINE’S DAY:

Whenever I hear this “most wonderful time” stuff, I start to feel, I don’t know…unappreciated. Doesn’t anyone care about love? Not the peace-on-earth, good-will-toward-man type, but stab-you-in-the-heart, burning-in-your-loins passion. Compare the number of songs about eros to the number about Christmas cheer -- it’s no contest. And would you rather hear “Let’s Get It On” or “Frosty the Snowman”? I’m already blamed for making singles feel lonely and driving up the price of flowers for a day, so hearing how terrific Christmas is just kind of shoots another arrow into my heart. But I don’t care what people say. I’ll just keep loving until the day I die, till the mountains crumble into the sea, always and forever. (Sigh!)

HALLOWEEN:

I could kill people for saying Christmas is the best. Obviously, as a holiday, I rock! I think everyone gets all wrapped up in this jingle-bell, holly-jolly crap because they don’t want to admit they’re in love with the dark side. I’m more fun! When else do you get to pretend to be an axe murderer, or Donald Trump? When can you dress up like a slutty witch, a slutty vampiress, or slutty Big Bird? Kids think I’m awesome ‘cause I supply them with practically unlimited candy for weeks. I don’t put any of that “enjoy responsibly” or “childhood obesity” bullshit on them. I say, go ahead and O.D.! The whole point is, do whatever you want for one day. You see, I’m all about the carnivalesque and subverting the social order, if you wanna get theoretical about it. Christmas is just a pagan holiday wrapped in Christian charity and capitalist greed. Hey, did you know that Santa rearranged is Satan?

ST. PATRICK’S DAY:

Green beer, corned beef and cabbage, leprechauns…of course Christmas is more feckin’ wonderful! I’m just an excuse to get bollixed in the miserable month of March.

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