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Please listen carefully to the following options, as our menu has recently changed. For billing inquiries, press 1. To schedule an appointment, press 2. For phone sex services, press 3. To hear the soothing sounds of the humpback whale, press 4. To order refills for your Pez dispenser, press 5. To have your landlord kidnapped, press 6. To listen to The Scarlet Letter in its entirety, read by Rosanne Barr, press 7. To order a medium two-topping pizza with crazy dipping bread and hot wings, press 8. For enlightenment, press 9. To replay these options, press 10. To hang up, just hang up. Put down the phone. Or you can just listen to the sound of nothing – that is technically an option. Goodbye. Oh, and we love you. Om.

A Gen X'er Responds about Dick Pics

I’m from Generation X, and I’ve never sent or received a dick pic. I don’t think all the Millennials understand: when I was your age, no one sent dick pics. No one even had a dick back then. Let alone the technology to send an image of it to someone instantly. Some of my friends STILL don’t have dicks. I’ll say to my buddy, NAME REMOVED, “How’s your dick? Have you been using it much?” He’ll say, “Nah, I don’t have one. I never got into it. I don’t see the point, dude.” (That’s the kind of blasé attitude people hate about Gen X'ers!) I try to tell these guys, “Look, there are a lot of things you can do with a dick. It gives you a way of connecting with people.” They’ll be like, “Nah, man, a dick is just to share with people you barely even knew in high school. I’d rather have people get to know me and not my dick. I’d rather spend my time the way I want, listening to R.E.M. and watching Wynona Ryder movies, than trying to win a popularity contest with my dick.” And I’ll be like, “You don’t even have a dick!” And he’ll just shrug. So, you see, I don’t do dick pics, and I don’t understand them, but I’m not exactly proud of my peers either. I may be Gen-X, but at least I have a dick, and I try to use it as positively and productively as I can.

Why Corporations Aren't People

Are corporations people? No, and here’s why… If a person promotes his or herself too much on Facebook & Twitter, it’s considered un-cool. If a corporation does, that’s just normal. Take, for example, me. Do I promote myself a lot? Yes. But not as much as Wendy’s. Do I annoy people by tweeting and posting about my show? Probably. But, you could say, my comedy show is pretty harmless compared to the Baconator. And they promote the Baconator 100,000 times more. Wendy’s is also not self-conscious about promoting the Baconator. That’s the difference between a corporation and a person. Case closed.

Call Me "Comedy God"

(A script for a commercial parody that I’m too busy/lazy/technically inept to actually make.)

Shot of a young, cool-looking GUY on in front of a theater. He’s framed with eyes outside the shot -- to give him an “every guy” quality, and so that the actor playing him can be paid less. He speaks into his iPhone. Siri, the voice of the phone, answers him. Apple-y music swirls in background.

GUY: Where can I take an improv class?

SIRI: Do you mean long-form or short-form?

Cut to Guy at home.

GUY: Who was in Wet, Hot American Summer?

SIRI: I’ll look that up for you. Again.

A quick succession of shots…

GUY: How do I get on SNL?

GUY: What’s a Harold?

GUY: Is it too late to make a Shit People Say video?

SIRI: Yes.

Shot of Guy in coffee shop.

GUY: Add “Psychopathic Maniac” to my list of sketch group names.

SIRI: That’s not good.

GUY: What?

SIRI: Nothing. I’ll do that for you.

Shot of Guy in bar.

GUY: How can I get a job on Fallon from my Twitter?

SIRI: If I knew, I wouldn’t be working here.

Shot of Guy in another bar.

GUY: Tell Phil and Ben I’ll be doing a set at the Laugh Hole tonight.

SIRI: Done.

GUY: Oh, and tell them there’s a two-drink minimum.

SIRI: Is this a bringer? Oh, no.

Shot of Guy performing in a comedy club. He makes a joke (either about racial stereotypes, masturbation, porn, rape, AIDS, or online dating). He comments on the audience not liking the joke.

GUY: Too edgy for you?

Shot of Guy outside club. 

GUY: From now on, call me “Comedy God.”

SIRI: No, I won’t. You obnoxious, unfunny human. OK?

Insert iPhone and Apple branding. Flash title in small type: “Does not reflect actual use of product.”

_____

If you haven't seen the original commercial, here it is: iPhone TV Ad
And here's a popular parody someone actually made: iPhone TV Ad Parody

Better Communication through Technology

Lately, I’m not sure why, I’ve been getting into more and more conflicts with people I know. I’m aware of this, and I’ve decided to work on my communication skills. Fortunately, we live in a time when the latest technology can help us to be better communicators. I’ve resolved to use these tools more effectively in my life, to create more harmony in the world around me.

For starters, the next time I’m really mad at someone, I plan to write a long email, carefully explaining what he or she has done to offend me. I won’t just fire it off in anger. I’ll compose many drafts, each one more eloquent than the last. If I express my hurt feelings honestly and fully in writing, the person will surely listen to reason. Then they can respond directly, with a heartfelt apology, to each of my concerns. This can all be accomplished peacefully, through email, without all the yelling and blaming that come with a face-to-face confrontation.

Click to read more ...

Voicemail Left for Scarlett Johansson

Hey, Scarlett, it’s Tim. Ellis. Heh, heh. What’s up?! I, uh, got your picture messages, so...just calling to say "hey." Great to hear from you! Wow, I guess I haven’t talked to you since that party at Woody’s. That guy...he's still my hero, even though he can be kinda creepy sometimes…but I guess you know that. Heh, heh. Oh, and sorry I haven't listened to your CD yet, but I will, I will! So, uh, give me a call, and let’s catch up. You know, talk about life…what it all means. Heh, heh. (Pause.) Thanks for the photos. Definitely a surprise! (Pause.) I don’t know if you know I’m married or not, or if you and Sean broke up, or you got me by mistake. Or maybe you just wanted to show me your photography…some nice shots there, Scarlett. (Pause.) Heh, heh. (Pause.) Anyway…give me a buzz. Lots to talk about! You have my number…K, bye.