THE EXISTENTIAL LENS: Clams & Bananas

Clams & Bananas, 2012.

What Are You Doing on the 4th? -- VIDEO

Celebrate your freedom by chowing down at my picnic!

Click to read more ...

Weekend Specials at My Local Spa-Diner

Pre-fixe $125 with coffee, tea, or mimosa. Gratuity not included.

• Acupuncture with 2 Eggs Any Style & Home Fries

• Aroma Therapy with Western Omelet

• Swedish Massage with French Toast

• Deep Tissue Massage with Belgian Waffle

• Rolfing with Silver Dollar Pancakes

• Craniosacral Therapy with Corned Beef Hash & Eggs

• Lymphatic Drainage with Biscuits & Sausage Gravy

• Reiki with a Rasher of Bacon & Toast

• Facial with Eggs Benedict or Florentine (pamper yourself!)

• Reflexology with Bagel, Lox, & Cream Cheese

• Thai Body Work with Oatmeal of the Day

• Naturopathic Consultation with Hamburger Deluxe (cheese or bacon, $1 extra)

THE EXISTENTIAL LENS: Wake Up with Wendy

Really? I’ll admit I’ve had fantasies about waking up with Wendy. But I thought there was something wrong with me. Now Wendy’s is encouraging it! Is this a Freudian slip, or are they stooping to pedologophilia* as a marketing ploy? (Would the late Dave Thomas approve of whoring out the cartoon image of his daughter, in order to sell breakfast burritos? Maybe he would, since he didn’t mind turning her into a corporate logo. Isn’t the whole franchise built on Wendy's freckle-faced, pigtailed charm?) Not that it has to be sexual, but I sure wouldn’t mind seeing that adorable redheaded first thing in the morning, serving me a sausage and egg biscuit in bed…aaaah!

*pedologophilia: n., (psychology) the love of children, especially cute drawings of, as depicted in company logos.

The Flatbread Sandwich Frontier

In honor of National Sandwich Day, 2011.

I don’t support the flat tax, but, like a lot of people nowadays, I want my sandwiches flat. Crispy and melty, pressed real thin. The flatter, the better, I say. For lunch today, I went to my local deli and ordered a turkey and Swiss. “Make it flat. Real flat,” I said. The guy behind the counter said, “We don’t do that. We just have regular sandwiches.” I said, “What?! Forget it. I’ve had it with your thick sandwiches!” I left and went to a place that sells paninis.

While ordering, I said, “Make mine extra flat, please…squash it.” The panini guy said, “How flat do you want it?” “How flat can you make it?” I asked. “Pretty flat,” he said, “we have a press.” He was up for a challenge. “OK,” I said, “can you make mine a millimeter thick?” Not flinching, he says, “I can try.” I say, “Actually, I’d like it four molecules thick—one molecule of meat, one molecule of cheese, and one molecule of bread on either side. Oh, and a molecule of mustard. So five. Make it so flat I can’t taste it!” The guy goes, “Let me ask my manger.”

I didn't get what I wanted, but that’s the way it is when you’re ahead of the sandwich curve. Some day they’ll have a sandwich so flat, it’ll have a negative mass. An anti-matter sandwich. It will eat you.

Rejected Wendy's Slogans

Here are some advertising slogans considered by Wendy’s before finding one that clicked:

What’s the Beef?

What Is Beef?

Is This Beef?

When’s the Beef?

It’s Beef Time!

Who’s Got the Beef?

Who Moved My Beef?

Who Beefed?!

How’s the Beef?

How Is This Beef?

Beef, and How!

Beef, Beef, & More Beef!

Beef is Beef

Here’s Your Beef…

Where’s the Beef at?

Beef: Where Is It?

Where’s the Beef? -- ACCEPTED