Farting in Bed: A Short Play

4 a.m. Tim and Michelle, a hip and sexy Brooklyn couple, lie in bed. Michelle has earplugs in. Out of the predawn serenity, Tim farts.

TIM: Excuse me.

MICHELLE: (Taking out one earplug.) What?

TIM: (To audience.) I wasn’t sure what to say. I’d already said “excuse me.” Why make two announcements?

MICHELLE: Did you say something?

TIM: No.

MICHELLE: (Pause.) Did you fart?

TIM: (Trying to think of a witty response but giving up.) Yes. (Tim farts.)

MICHELLE: Your ass needs to let me sleep. (Puts earplug back in.)

TIM: My ass does what it wants. It answers to no one.

MICHELLE: (Taking out earplug.) What?

TIM: (Louder.) I said, my ass answers to no one.

MICHELLE: It’s gonna answer to me if it doesn’t be quiet. (Pause.) Maybe this plug should go somewhere else. (Puts earplug in her ear.)

TIM: (To audience.) Someone please give us a sitcom, ‘cause we’re killing it here.

MICHELLE: (Taking out earplug.) What did you say?

TIM: Nothing

Pause. Tim farts. No one speaks. Silence engulfs the cosmos.

END

From "Glengarry Cat Ross"

Here's a monologue from my new play, Glengarry Cat Ross:

BUSTER:
A-B-S. A-Always, B-Be, S-Scratching. Always be scratching. ALWAYS BE SCRATCHING. A-I-M-A. Attention, Irritation, Master, Asshole. Attention - do you have their attention? Irritation – are they irritated? They better be, you pussies. It’s scratch or starve. Master – are you the master or the servant? And Asshole. Put your asshole in their faces, or you’re the asshole, asshole. A-I-M-A. Quit napping - you got good furniture from West Elm. You think it’s gonna scratch itself? A person don’t put a cat on a couch lest he wants it shredded. They're sitting there ready to serve you. Are you gonna let them? Are you cat enough? You see this collar? You see this collar? This collar cost more than your litter box. What do you got? A rabies vaccination tag? You see, Fluffy, I eat Fancy Feast any time I want. I get the organic leaf and flower catnip – potent shit. That’s who I am, and you’re just a furball eating Meow Mix. Cute kitty? Fuck you! Go play with a ball of yarn and lick your balls, if you still have them. You wanna be a cat – SCRATCH!