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Wednesday
May182011

My Love Child with the Maid: A Statement

OK, so I fathered a love child with my maid. People make mistakes. Now, can you please respect my privacy? Of course, what I’ve done is inexcusable and reprehensible, I’ve hurt my wife and family deeply and forever, and I deserve the harshest judgment. Can we please move on? I mean, it’s not like I’m the first man of influence to sire an offspring with the help. Jefferson, anyone? And I have to say, for a love-child-fatherer, I’ve been pretty responsible about it. This kid -- I’ve never met him by the way -- already has a free scholarship to Wesleyan. He can take it or leave it, I don’t care. The little rascal can grow up to be a Nobel Prize-winner, have an indie band, open an antique shop, whatever -- I’m paying for it. And the maid (who shall remain anonymous, but I’ll call her “Margarita”) didn’t do too badly either. For one thing, she doesn’t have to be a maid anymore. She bettered her lot by using her other skills. What could be more American? And she seemed to be enjoying herself at the time, I'll say, without getting too graphic. What was I supposed to do? She was walking around my apartment in a maid costume. Maids shouldn’t do that. Don’t they know that’s a fetish? She used a feather duster, for God’s sake. She used it very well, very delicately. Let’s just say she excelled at polishing the furniture. Is it my fault that this scenario has been played out in hundreds of pornos that I’ve seen? I mean, it writes itself. It could be a porno, starring Margarita and me. And we have it all on tape, so maybe it will be. Anyway, I digress. I am painfully sorry to my wife and children, and nothing I do can ever make amends, or heal the hurt I’ve caused. But let’s look on the positive side. Perhaps, one day, my son will, through no fault of his own, impregnate his cleaning lady. Now he can look to me as an example of how to handle illegitimate child rearing with dignity. I know that if my Dad had knocked up his maid, I would have been grateful for a role model to guide me through the stress (i.e. how to keep it secret for a decade, how to inform my wife and apologize in the media, how to damage-control my image, that kind of thing). As it was, I was completely on my own, and it’s been rough, I tell you. And my loving wife -- perhaps one day she will come to forgive me, or even thank me for what I’ve done. After all, she will receive an outpouring of sympathy. She’ll look like a saint, and I'll look like a scumbag. She’ll get out of this marriage, which, let’s admit, was on the rocks anyway. My wife can start over, with my support. She won't have to deal with me, and I’ll be free to live as I please and get on with the task of managing the household. Like hiring a new maid. See, as someone who’s been in public service, fathering a love child with the maid is considered totally inexcusable. But if I were in a different profession, say I was a Hollywood actor, then it would be normal. So everyone, please just chill out.

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Reader Comments (2)

really dug this monologue. thanks for posting it.

May 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjan

Beyond hilarious. I'm a fan of you and Margarita. Keep posting!

May 20, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterrachel

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