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Entries in politics (18)

Saturday
Jun102017

Strains of GOP Logic from #ComeyDay

Trump didn't obstruct justice & Comey should've stopped him. Trump didn't order Comey to do anything, he was just sharing his hopes & dreams with Comey, like Dorothy singing about the rainbow. Trump didn't follow protocols because he's just too dumb (the Ryan defense). It's offensive to say the president is a liar - we all know that, so why bring it up? Comey's statements prove the president did no wrong & Comey's statements are all lies. And whatever John McCain was saying.

Friday
Mar242017

MEALS ON WHEELS UNDER TRUMP

Even if Meals on Wheels isn’t eliminated under Trump’s budget, it is likely to be revamped. Here are the administration’s 10 best proposals for what the program will become:

1) MEALS ON WHEELS 2.0: Dessert carts at Mar-a-Lago. 

2) MEALS OR WHEELS: The homebound will have the choice of a meal or a delivery—not both. (No one will be allowed to pick up the meal for them, in case you thought of that.)

3) MEALS OF WHEELS: Seniors will be given old tires to eat. (Recycling!) 

4) WHEELS ON MEALS: A new agency that takes food away from the elderly and runs over it repeatedly with a van. 

5) WHEELS OF MEALS: Food will be pressed into a wheel shape and rolled down a mountain. If people can catch it, they can eat it.

6) MEALS OF FORTUNE: A game show in which contestants “compete to eat” (hosted by Chuck Woolery).

7) MEALS ON WHALES: Free dinners will be served on the backs of orcas, 10 miles out to sea.

8) MEALS OF EELS: All you can eat, as long as it's eels. (The eel lobby is clearly behind this one.) 

9) MEALS OF FEELS: You eat your feelings. (Literally.) 

10) DOMINO’S.

Friday
Jan272017

Bannon to Press: "Shut Your Mouth"

Yesterday Steve Bannon said that the media should "keep its mouth shut." He's mistaken, first of all, in thinking that the media has a mouth. I guess you could say that it has many mouths, but it is not a single body talking through one orifice. Also, the members of the media usually use newspaper articles, radio and TV programs, etc., to report the news or express their opinions. They don't just sit there and yap their traps - if they did, no one would notice. In fact, you could easily write an article and post it to a blog without ever opening your mouth (though you probably would, just out of habit, or if you were drinking coffee or eating a bagel). It's like Bannon thinks of the media as a disembodied mouth, as in the Beckett play Not I (pictured). But that is wrong - the media is an industry of numerous people using various modes of mass communication. It can no more shut its mouth than Steve Bannon can kiss its ass. Which, if it had one, he should.

Friday
Jan202017

Trump Actually Writing His Inauguration Speech

Wednesday
Mar092016

10 USDA Prime Trump Steaks-Related Jokes

1. You know, I think Donald Trump took “Where’s the beef?” a little too literally.
 
2. Trump said: I’m a good Christian. I loved it when Jesus did the thing with the water and the wine…and the steaks.
 
3. I don’t know if America will buy Trump Steaks, but they sure are buying Trump Bologna! (Old men out there, feel free to use that one.)
 
4. I can’t decide between the Clinton Special-Interest-Fed Filet Mignon and the Sanders Socialist Sirloin Tips (Vegan).
 
5. Waiter: May I interest you in the Jeb Bush Prime Rib? Customer: How is that prepared? Waiter: OK, we take the most expensive steak on the menu and throw it in the garbage for you. (Pause.) Please laugh.
 
6. I just found these Kasich Steak-umms in the freezer – think they’re still good?
 
7. Try the McRubio Steak Sandwich – only for a limited time.
 
8. Cruz Steaks are people!!!!!!!!!!
 
9. Do you guys like impressions? “First prize is the Republican nomination. 2nd prize is a set of Trump Steaks knives. 3rd prize is…‘you’re fired!’” – that was Arnold Schwarzenegger from Trumpgarry Trump Ross.
 
10. I’m assuming Trump Steaks are not halal, right?
 
OK, that’s my time…you guys have been great…please hire me to write for TV!
Monday
Jun222015

Official Jeb Bush T-Shirts Are Out!