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Entries in politics (17)

Wednesday
Oct032012

Politics Are Funny

To help Barack Obama and Mitt Romney prep for their debate tonight, I've collected some of my semi-relevant, semi-political stuff in one convenient post. So read up, guys, and if you use any of my zingers, I want credit!

MY LOVE CHILD WITH THE MAID
(for Arnold Schwarzenegger, in honor of his new book and Daily Show appearance)

THERE'S NO "I" IN AYN RAND CLUB
(for Paul Ryan) 

T-SHIRTS FOR THE 47 PERCENT

T-SHIRTS FOR THE WEALTHIEST AMERICANS

KARDASHIAN NAMES OF THE PRESIDENTS
(for Karack Kobamian and Kitt Komnian) 

Tuesday
Sep182012

New T-Shirts for the 47 Percent

Mitt Romney’s remarks at a private fundraiser, about how nearly half the electorate would support President Obama because they are “dependent upon government,” have energized un-self-reliant voters across America. They have also inspired this new line of T-shirts:   

 

I am the 47% dependent on Obama.

Vicitms for [Obama logo].

See all 7 designs!

Click to read more ...

Wednesday
Aug292012

There's No "I" in Ayn Rand Club

Dear Brooklyn Ayn Rand Club members,

I’m writing to address some issues that have come up for me recently related to our club, and I hope you will hear me out. When I started the BARC, I was really looking forward to meeting people who shared an interest in objectivist philosophy, unregulated capitalism, and personal freedom. What I didn’t realize was that I would end up doing all of the work myself. This has got to change if the club is to continue, at least with me as a member.

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Wednesday
Jun082011

Political Sexhibitionism: A Brief History

The nation is shocked to learn that Rep. Anthony Weiner uploaded and sent explicit photos of himself to women on Twitter. However, those in political power have always felt the need to expose their private parts to the public — and have used the latest technology and media to do so. Here are just a few examples:

James Buchanan sat for Daguerreotypes of his business in the White House. Since the process created a single image with no negative, ladies who received one felt like they were the one true love of the bachelor president. 

Benjamin Franklin used his considerable skills as a printer to produce the x-rated Proud Dick’s Almanack. He would often work late, engraving his likeness onto copper plates, to produce the popular broadside.

Napoleon is said to have spent the Battle of Waterloo in his tent scrawling heroic verse about his “general” for his mistresses. (An ostrich quill was his favorite writing instrument.) Psychologists attribute this behavior to a Napoleon complex.
 
Catherine the Great commissioned a Rococo landscape of her "hills and dales" to be displayed in the Hermitage.
 
Lorenzo de’ Medici had monks copy an illustration of his “magnificence,” day in and day out, for the better part of their lives. (The original may have been by Leonardo Da Vinci, a quickie for his patron.) The monks didn’t really mind, since they were sick of copying the Bible.
 
Charlemagne captured his “empire” with a camera obscura. This was mainly for his own enjoyment.

In the Paleolithic era, a tribal leader was ousted for painting his “thunder spear” on a cave wall at Lascaux. Since loin-cloths were not yet in use, they knew he was exaggerating.

In the future, our leaders will surely continue to create and distribute depictions of their genitals. What forms these will take, we can only imagine. Apps to view candidates’ crotch-cams can’t be far away. Eventually, when virtual sex becomes the norm, showing off one’s junk may become unnecessary or boring to politicians, as to everyone.

Wednesday
May182011

My Love Child with the Maid: A Statement

OK, so I fathered a love child with my maid. People make mistakes. Now, can you please respect my privacy? Of course, what I’ve done is inexcusable and reprehensible, I’ve hurt my wife and family deeply and forever, and I deserve the harshest judgment. Can we please move on? I mean, it’s not like I’m the first man of influence to sire an offspring with the help. Jefferson, anyone? And I have to say, for a love-child-fatherer, I’ve been pretty responsible about it. This kid -- I’ve never met him by the way -- already has a free scholarship to Wesleyan. He can take it or leave it, I don’t care. The little rascal can grow up to be a Nobel Prize-winner, have an indie band, open an antique shop, whatever --

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