"Trump Tweets" (By Me), Last Few Days

SUN-MON:

Alexander Hamilton was a highly overrated founding father. He was very rude to Aaron Burr & should apologize immediately!

Patriotic Aaron Burr thanks me for protecting the 2nd amendment. Hillary would take his pistol away. Apologize, Hamilton!

Awkward Alexander Hamilton was never elected president. Not a hero! I like people who were president. I will do a great job!

Illegal Alexander Hamilton was born out of wedlock in the West Indies. Can't be president - not allowed. He should apologize!

Sleazy Al Hamilton had 1st US sex scandal. Mine was locker room talk, his adultery/blackmail. Disgusting subject for musical!

Sad Al Hamilton was Washington’s puppet - a totally weak main character for a Broadway show. I’m no puppet, believe me!

TUES:

My business relationship with Argentina is fantastic. Totally ethical! Remember that Hamilton must apologize to Mike Pence

I respect our 1st amendment freedom of the press. They are free to come to Trump Tower and hear me call them liars. So dishonest!

Had a wonderful meeting with members of the press. That roomful of losers couldn't interrupt me! How'd it feel, Charlie Rose?

I should've canceled yesterday's media summit. My one &only mistake. Did I really let Wolf Blitzer into my home? Never again!

Obviously I have nothing to do with Nazi groups &condemn their actions. Appreciate the hails though! Better to reach me through Steve Bannon

I denounce the offensive graffiti at a park named for Adam Yauch, a horrible Jewish rapper who corrupted our youth with...was that singing?

WED:

So, Crooked Hillary won't be locked up. I don't want to hurt the Clintons. If I wanted to, I would! Not about justice, about my feelings

The president can't have a conflict of interest. I could use a nuclear threat to get a hotel built in No Korea &it would be OK. This is fun!

The NYTimes is failing, believe me. Since Chuck Klosterman took over as the Ethicist, all downhill. Also miss Mark Bittman! JK, I don't cook

The failing NYTimes is at it again. Lying press being very rough on me by quoting what I said on record. The Gray Lady is not a nice lady!

10 USDA Prime Trump Steaks-Related Jokes

1. You know, I think Donald Trump took “Where’s the beef?” a little too literally.

 

2. Trump said: I’m a good Christian. I loved it when Jesus did the thing with the water and the wine…and the steaks.

 

3. I don’t know if America will buy Trump Steaks, but they sure are buying Trump Bologna! (Old men out there, feel free to use that one.)

 

4. I can’t decide between the Clinton Special-Interest-Fed Filet Mignon and the Sanders Socialist Sirloin Tips (Vegan).

 

5. Waiter: May I interest you in the Jeb Bush Prime Rib? Customer: How is that prepared? Waiter: OK, we take the most expensive steak on the menu and throw it in the garbage for you. (Pause.) Please laugh.

 

6. I just found these Kasich Steak-umms in the freezer – think they’re still good?

 

7. Try the McRubio Steak Sandwich – only for a limited time.

 

8. Cruz Steaks are people!!!!!!!!!!

 

9. Do you guys like impressions? “First prize is the Republican nomination. 2nd prize is a set of Trump Steaks knives. 3rd prize is…‘you’re fired!’” – that was Arnold Schwarzenegger from Trumpgarry Trump Ross.

 

10. I’m assuming Trump Steaks are not halal, right?

 

OK, that’s my time…you guys have been great…please hire me to write for TV!

Official Jeb Bush T-Shirts Are Out!

Voter Suppression T-Shirts NEW!

EDITOR'S NOTE: These T-shirts did not work. Barack Obama was reelected as president on 11/6/12. TE

Want to look cool while preventing democracy and helping to elect Romney? Try one of these stylish t-shirts!

  

Click to read more ...

Romnesia (a Scary Song for Halloween)

Another election meme transmitted through me in song. This one digs deep into Mitt's psyche...its a little weird in there.

Baby, Let Me Put You in a Binder (SONG)

Here's my contribution to the public discourse on Romney's "binders full of women"...

WATCH ON YOUTUBE

The internet made me do it!