BLOG CATEGORIES:

SEARCH timelliscomedy

See Tim perform stand-up! WATCH ON YOUTUBE

Get Tim's album on iTunes! 
CASUAL PIMPIN': TWELVE TIGHT TUNES

Entries in U.S. Presidents (7)

Friday
Mar242017

MEALS ON WHEELS UNDER TRUMP

Even if Meals on Wheels isn’t eliminated under Trump’s budget, it is likely to be revamped. Here are the administration’s 10 best proposals for what the program will become:

1) MEALS ON WHEELS 2.0: Dessert carts at Mar-a-Lago. 

2) MEALS OR WHEELS: The homebound will have the choice of a meal or a delivery—not both. (No one will be allowed to pick up the meal for them, in case you thought of that.)

3) MEALS OF WHEELS: Seniors will be given old tires to eat. (Recycling!) 

4) WHEELS ON MEALS: A new agency that takes food away from the elderly and runs over it repeatedly with a van. 

5) WHEELS OF MEALS: Food will be pressed into a wheel shape and rolled down a mountain. If people can catch it, they can eat it.

6) MEALS OF FORTUNE: A game show in which contestants “compete to eat” (hosted by Chuck Woolery).

7) MEALS ON WHALES: Free dinners will be served on the backs of orcas, 10 miles out to sea.

8) MEALS OF EELS: All you can eat, as long as it's eels. (The eel lobby is clearly behind this one.) 

9) MEALS OF FEELS: You eat your feelings. (Literally.) 

10) DOMINO’S.

Friday
Jan202017

Trump Actually Writing His Inauguration Speech

Thursday
Nov242016

"Trump Tweets" (By Me), Last Few Days

SUN-MON:

Alexander Hamilton was a highly overrated founding father. He was very rude to Aaron Burr & should apologize immediately!

Patriotic Aaron Burr thanks me for protecting the 2nd amendment. Hillary would take his pistol away. Apologize, Hamilton!

Awkward Alexander Hamilton was never elected president. Not a hero! I like people who were president. I will do a great job!

Illegal Alexander Hamilton was born out of wedlock in the West Indies. Can't be president - not allowed. He should apologize!

Sleazy Al Hamilton had 1st US sex scandal. Mine was locker room talk, his adultery/blackmail. Disgusting subject for musical!

Sad Al Hamilton was Washington’s puppet - a totally weak main character for a Broadway show. I’m no puppet, believe me!

TUES:

My business relationship with Argentina is fantastic. Totally ethical! Remember that Hamilton must apologize to Mike Pence

I respect our 1st amendment freedom of the press. They are free to come to Trump Tower and hear me call them liars. So dishonest!

Had a wonderful meeting with members of the press. That roomful of losers couldn't interrupt me! How'd it feel, Charlie Rose?

I should've canceled yesterday's media summit. My one &only mistake. Did I really let Wolf Blitzer into my home? Never again!

Obviously I have nothing to do with Nazi groups &condemn their actions. Appreciate the hails though! Better to reach me through Steve Bannon

I denounce the offensive graffiti at a park named for Adam Yauch, a horrible Jewish rapper who corrupted our youth with...was that singing?

WED:

So, Crooked Hillary won't be locked up. I don't want to hurt the Clintons. If I wanted to, I would! Not about justice, about my feelings

The president can't have a conflict of interest. I could use a nuclear threat to get a hotel built in No Korea &it would be OK. This is fun!

The NYTimes is failing, believe me. Since Chuck Klosterman took over as the Ethicist, all downhill. Also miss Mark Bittman! JK, I don't cook

The failing NYTimes is at it again. Lying press being very rough on me by quoting what I said on record. The Gray Lady is not a nice lady!

Thursday
Feb122015

Happy Birthday, Mr. President

Lincoln's Birthday in NYC, 2015

Thursday
Feb282013

An Actor Prepares to Play Lincoln

Daniel Day-Lewis is famous for totally immersing himself in roles, and his Oscar-winning turn as Abraham Lincoln was no exception. After last week's ceremony, Day-Lewis opened up about his process, which reportedly included the following:

 He and Sally Field, who portrayed Mary Todd Lincoln, addressed each other only as “Mother” and “Mr. Lincoln,” as the couple did in real life.

◆ He even sent text messages in character.

◆ He built his own log cabin out of rails that he split himself.

◆ Wore a stovepipe hat for a whole year, even to bed and while showering. Made the hat himself from a real stovepipe (even though he was told that stovepipe hats were not made out of stovepipes, they were just called that because of the shape). Made the stovepipe himself, as well as the wrought-iron stove the pipe was attached to. Mined the iron ore by hand and cast it in a foundry, after learning the mining and metalwork trades.

Click to read more ...

Friday
Aug122011

Kardashian Names of the U.S. Presidents

 

While trying to keep up with the Kardashians (it’s not easy), I noticed an interactive feature on their web page that will tell you your Kardashian name. Apparently, everyone has one; you just have to look it up. In order to get a little ahead of the Kardashians, and as a public service, I decided to research the names of the 44 U.S. presidents. I publish them here as a matter of public record:

Click to read more ...