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CASUAL PIMPIN': TWELVE TIGHT TUNES

Entries in political humor (17)

Saturday
Jun102017

Strains of GOP Logic from #ComeyDay

Trump didn't obstruct justice & Comey should've stopped him. Trump didn't order Comey to do anything, he was just sharing his hopes & dreams with Comey, like Dorothy singing about the rainbow. Trump didn't follow protocols because he's just too dumb (the Ryan defense). It's offensive to say the president is a liar - we all know that, so why bring it up? Comey's statements prove the president did no wrong & Comey's statements are all lies. And whatever John McCain was saying.

Friday
Mar242017

MEALS ON WHEELS UNDER TRUMP

Even if Meals on Wheels isn’t eliminated under Trump’s budget, it is likely to be revamped. Here are the administration’s 10 best proposals for what the program will become:

1) MEALS ON WHEELS 2.0: Dessert carts at Mar-a-Lago. 

2) MEALS OR WHEELS: The homebound will have the choice of a meal or a delivery—not both. (No one will be allowed to pick up the meal for them, in case you thought of that.)

3) MEALS OF WHEELS: Seniors will be given old tires to eat. (Recycling!) 

4) WHEELS ON MEALS: A new agency that takes food away from the elderly and runs over it repeatedly with a van. 

5) WHEELS OF MEALS: Food will be pressed into a wheel shape and rolled down a mountain. If people can catch it, they can eat it.

6) MEALS OF FORTUNE: A game show in which contestants “compete to eat” (hosted by Chuck Woolery).

7) MEALS ON WHALES: Free dinners will be served on the backs of orcas, 10 miles out to sea.

8) MEALS OF EELS: All you can eat, as long as it's eels. (The eel lobby is clearly behind this one.) 

9) MEALS OF FEELS: You eat your feelings. (Literally.) 

10) DOMINO’S.

Friday
Jan202017

Trump Actually Writing His Inauguration Speech

Thursday
Nov242016

"Trump Tweets" (By Me), Last Few Days

SUN-MON:

Alexander Hamilton was a highly overrated founding father. He was very rude to Aaron Burr & should apologize immediately!

Patriotic Aaron Burr thanks me for protecting the 2nd amendment. Hillary would take his pistol away. Apologize, Hamilton!

Awkward Alexander Hamilton was never elected president. Not a hero! I like people who were president. I will do a great job!

Illegal Alexander Hamilton was born out of wedlock in the West Indies. Can't be president - not allowed. He should apologize!

Sleazy Al Hamilton had 1st US sex scandal. Mine was locker room talk, his adultery/blackmail. Disgusting subject for musical!

Sad Al Hamilton was Washington’s puppet - a totally weak main character for a Broadway show. I’m no puppet, believe me!

TUES:

My business relationship with Argentina is fantastic. Totally ethical! Remember that Hamilton must apologize to Mike Pence

I respect our 1st amendment freedom of the press. They are free to come to Trump Tower and hear me call them liars. So dishonest!

Had a wonderful meeting with members of the press. That roomful of losers couldn't interrupt me! How'd it feel, Charlie Rose?

I should've canceled yesterday's media summit. My one &only mistake. Did I really let Wolf Blitzer into my home? Never again!

Obviously I have nothing to do with Nazi groups &condemn their actions. Appreciate the hails though! Better to reach me through Steve Bannon

I denounce the offensive graffiti at a park named for Adam Yauch, a horrible Jewish rapper who corrupted our youth with...was that singing?

WED:

So, Crooked Hillary won't be locked up. I don't want to hurt the Clintons. If I wanted to, I would! Not about justice, about my feelings

The president can't have a conflict of interest. I could use a nuclear threat to get a hotel built in No Korea &it would be OK. This is fun!

The NYTimes is failing, believe me. Since Chuck Klosterman took over as the Ethicist, all downhill. Also miss Mark Bittman! JK, I don't cook

The failing NYTimes is at it again. Lying press being very rough on me by quoting what I said on record. The Gray Lady is not a nice lady!

Wednesday
Mar092016

10 USDA Prime Trump Steaks-Related Jokes

1. You know, I think Donald Trump took “Where’s the beef?” a little too literally.
 
2. Trump said: I’m a good Christian. I loved it when Jesus did the thing with the water and the wine…and the steaks.
 
3. I don’t know if America will buy Trump Steaks, but they sure are buying Trump Bologna! (Old men out there, feel free to use that one.)
 
4. I can’t decide between the Clinton Special-Interest-Fed Filet Mignon and the Sanders Socialist Sirloin Tips (Vegan).
 
5. Waiter: May I interest you in the Jeb Bush Prime Rib? Customer: How is that prepared? Waiter: OK, we take the most expensive steak on the menu and throw it in the garbage for you. (Pause.) Please laugh.
 
6. I just found these Kasich Steak-umms in the freezer – think they’re still good?
 
7. Try the McRubio Steak Sandwich – only for a limited time.
 
8. Cruz Steaks are people!!!!!!!!!!
 
9. Do you guys like impressions? “First prize is the Republican nomination. 2nd prize is a set of Trump Steaks knives. 3rd prize is…‘you’re fired!’” – that was Arnold Schwarzenegger from Trumpgarry Trump Ross.
 
10. I’m assuming Trump Steaks are not halal, right?
 
OK, that’s my time…you guys have been great…please hire me to write for TV!
Thursday
Feb132014

Communist Valentines

Want to express your love in a way that's true to your Marxist politics? (These and other "Communist Valentines" were read aloud by Mo Fathelbab, Chrissie Mayr, and me at the Feb. 11 Manifesto! - a show I co-host at the People's Republic of Brooklyn.) Viva revolución of love!

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