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10 USDA Prime Trump Steaks-Related Jokes

1. You know, I think Donald Trump took “Where’s the beef?” a little too literally.

 

2. Trump said: I’m a good Christian. I loved it when Jesus did the thing with the water and the wine…and the steaks.

 

3. I don’t know if America will buy Trump Steaks, but they sure are buying Trump Bologna! (Old men out there, feel free to use that one.)

 

4. I can’t decide between the Clinton Special-Interest-Fed Filet Mignon and the Sanders Socialist Sirloin Tips (Vegan).

 

5. Waiter: May I interest you in the Jeb Bush Prime Rib? Customer: How is that prepared? Waiter: OK, we take the most expensive steak on the menu and throw it in the garbage for you. (Pause.) Please laugh.

 

6. I just found these Kasich Steak-umms in the freezer – think they’re still good?

 

7. Try the McRubio Steak Sandwich – only for a limited time.

 

8. Cruz Steaks are people!!!!!!!!!!

 

9. Do you guys like impressions? “First prize is the Republican nomination. 2nd prize is a set of Trump Steaks knives. 3rd prize is…‘you’re fired!’” – that was Arnold Schwarzenegger from Trumpgarry Trump Ross.

 

10. I’m assuming Trump Steaks are not halal, right?

 

OK, that’s my time…you guys have been great…please hire me to write for TV!

A Pigeon Flew into My Head

A pigeon flew into my head this morning. I haven't told anyone yet. It was like someone dropped a small stack of newspapers onto my head from above. It made a thud. I looked up and a pigeon flew away. No one else saw it. I don't mean that it flew into my head, like it's still in there. This isn't magic realism. This is something that happened, and I didn't want the day to go by without mentioning it to someone. Is it good luck? Bad luck? Or do we live in a morally neutral universe where objects occasionally bump into each other at random, like a cosmic pinball machine with no score being kept and possibly not even a player? Anyway, I didn't want to get into all that. I just wanted to note that a pigeon flew into my head this morning.

ALBUM TRACK: Happy Chinese New Year

Celebrate the Year of the Monkey with this dystopian ditty from my album! Featuring some sweet vocals - & hot mandolin licks! - from my friend Matt Park. With excellent production by birthday boy Orion Keyser. Crank it, share it, & consider yourself warned! 

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2015 Was a Pretty Good Year

In 2015, I released an album of funny songs, bowled a perfect game, posed for a swimsuit calendar, mapped the human genome, got knighted, got coffee in car with Seinfeld, got schlonged by Trump, swam the Amazon, ordered from amazon, purchased Even More Legroom™, adopted a highway, sold my eggs, won a Nobel, defeated Rhonda Rousey (at chess), went public, went rogue, went to a region where certain fungal infections are common, found nirvana, toured with Nirvana, painted a Picasso, was named new Lord of the Dance, got saved, got same-sex married in 50 states, proved string theory, found the G-spot, became an Eagle Scout, looked at the man in the mirror, thought outside the bun, beat my family at Uno, and sired a colony of clones in a distant galaxy. I hope 2016 is a little more chill.

"Casual Pimpin': Twelve Tight Tunes" Released

Today my album of comedy songs drops online! You can order it on iTUNES or CDBABY. Then crank it up and enjoy - you know what to do! I'm trying to play it cool, but really I'm freaking out inside. So maybe I should just stop typing and let you go buy it!