Communist Valentines

Want to express your love in a way that's true to your Marxist politics? (These and other "Communist Valentines" were read aloud by Mo Fathelbab, Chrissie Mayr, and me at the Feb. 11 Manifesto! - a show I co-host at the People's Republic of Brooklyn.) Viva revolución of love!

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A Talk with Staten Island Chuck

I didn't create this image - thanks to whoever did!This Groundhog Day, Staten Island Chuck once again proved hard to handle for a New York mayor. I caught up with the radical rodent for his frankest interview to date.

Did de Blasio drop you, or did you jump?

Ha! Let’s just say I wriggled.

Was that a political statement?

What do you think? I bit Bloomberg to show my support for the 99%. If you include rodents, the percentage is actually much higher. So, De Blasio got elected as a progressive, but he doesn’t get a free pass. If you want me to interpret my own symbolism, the point was: don’t drop the ball. I’m the ball in that metaphor.

Have you always been a political animal?

Not really. I just do what comes naturally. Look, February 2nd arrives, and I’ve been hibernating. These guys show up with TV cameras, and I’m like, "Hey, it’s not a good time! Do you realize I’ve been living off my own urine for months? I need to eat!" So I just go with my gut, I improvise. The political justification comes later. If you read a lot of Marx and Foucault, you sort of see, "Yeah, that’s why I did that."

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SONGBOOK: Tom Brady, Can You Sing?

Tom Brady can do it all...or can he? Here's a football song I wrote for the musically nerdy... (BTW, go Patriots!)

Fans of funny songs about New England sports, also check out: 
POWER OF THE BEARD

AUTOMATIC HIBERNATION REPLY:

Thanks for getting in touch. I am currently unable to respond, as I’m spending the winter in a dormant state, subsisting on my stored body fat. For the next few months, I’ll have extremely limited Internet access. I probably won’t be answering my phone, either, since my metabolism will drop by 98%, and I’ll be focused on recycling proteins and urine. I plan to emerge from my den in mid-March(?) and will try to return all messages at that time. But feel free to contact me again in the spring – I’d definitely be up for meeting for dinner, or as many meals as possible! Have a great season... Tim

Why Corporations Aren't People

Are corporations people? No, and here’s why… If a person promotes his or herself too much on Facebook & Twitter, it’s considered un-cool. If a corporation does, that’s just normal. Take, for example, me. Do I promote myself a lot? Yes. But not as much as Wendy’s. Do I annoy people by tweeting and posting about my show? Probably. But, you could say, my comedy show is pretty harmless compared to the Baconator. And they promote the Baconator 100,000 times more. Wendy’s is also not self-conscious about promoting the Baconator. That’s the difference between a corporation and a person. Case closed.

From "Glengarry Cat Ross"

Here's a monologue from my new play, Glengarry Cat Ross:

BUSTER:
A-B-S. A-Always, B-Be, S-Scratching. Always be scratching. ALWAYS BE SCRATCHING. A-I-M-A. Attention, Irritation, Master, Asshole. Attention - do you have their attention? Irritation – are they irritated? They better be, you pussies. It’s scratch or starve. Master – are you the master or the servant? And Asshole. Put your asshole in their faces, or you’re the asshole, asshole. A-I-M-A. Quit napping - you got good furniture from West Elm. You think it’s gonna scratch itself? A person don’t put a cat on a couch lest he wants it shredded. They're sitting there ready to serve you. Are you gonna let them? Are you cat enough? You see this collar? You see this collar? This collar cost more than your litter box. What do you got? A rabies vaccination tag? You see, Fluffy, I eat Fancy Feast any time I want. I get the organic leaf and flower catnip – potent shit. That’s who I am, and you’re just a furball eating Meow Mix. Cute kitty? Fuck you! Go play with a ball of yarn and lick your balls, if you still have them. You wanna be a cat – SCRATCH!