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(Episodes 1-4 are up now - more coming soon!)

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My Amp Goes to 9

See, the numbers all go to 9. It’s one quieter. It’s not 10. (Or 11.) Most people are gonna be playing at 10…you’re on 10 on your guitar…where can you go from there? Nowhere. What I do is…I take it down a 9. It’s one quieter. These go to 9.


Beauty, Sex, & Death: A Bed & Breakfast Review

My wife and I recently spent the weekend on the Jersey Shore, where we stayed at a B&B called The House on the Creek. Here’s the review I’ll be posting on Trip Advisor:

The House on the Creek is a lovely place for a weekend getaway. I really can’t complain about it too much. It had just about everything we were looking for.

It had a bed…

Click to read more ...


NEWS: Andy Kaufman Award Honor Roll

Hi, I'm Andy Kaufman of the hit TV show Taxi, and I'm here to tell you that a video of Tim Ellis was selected for the prestigious 2011 Andy Kaufman Award Honor Roll! Tim's video MY VAGINA MONOLOGUE, directed by Michelle Walson, will be screened at the Andy Kaufman Award Finals on November 7, 8 pm, at Gotham Comedy Club. Tank you veddy much!

Just kidding, I'm not Andy Kaufman. I'm Tim Ellis, tooting my own horn! But wasn't that Kaufman-esque of me? I bet it's hard for you to tell whether this is real or a joke. But what I (or Andy) said is goofin'!    


The Flatbread Sandwich Frontier

In honor of National Sandwich Day, 2011.

I don’t support the flat tax, but, like a lot of people nowadays, I want my sandwiches flat. Crispy and melty, pressed real thin. The flatter, the better, I say. For lunch today, I went to my local deli and ordered a turkey and Swiss. “Make it flat. Real flat,” I said. The guy behind the counter said, “We don’t do that. We just have regular sandwiches.” I said, “What?! Forget it. I’ve had it with your thick sandwiches!” I left and went to a place that sells paninis.

While ordering, I said, “Make mine extra flat, please…squash it.” The panini guy said, “How flat do you want it?” “How flat can you make it?” I asked. “Pretty flat,” he said, “we have a press.” He was up for a challenge. “OK,” I said, “can you make mine a millimeter thick?” Not flinching, he says, “I can try.” I say, “Actually, I’d like it four molecules thick—one molecule of meat, one molecule of cheese, and one molecule of bread on either side. Oh, and a molecule of mustard. So five. Make it so flat I can’t taste it!” The guy goes, “Let me ask my manger.”

I didn't get what I wanted, but that’s the way it is when you’re ahead of the sandwich curve. Some day they’ll have a sandwich so flat, it’ll have a negative mass. An anti-matter sandwich. It will eat you.


MUSIC VIDEO: Werewolves of Brooklyn


  Werewolves of Brooklyn by timelliscomedy

Song parody and video by Tim Ellis, featuring "Wolfman" Phil on guitar. Shot by Meeshmonster.


Rejected Wendy's Slogans

Here are some advertising slogans considered by Wendy’s before finding one that clicked:

What’s the Beef?

What Is Beef?

Is This Beef?

When’s the Beef?

It’s Beef Time!

Who’s Got the Beef?

Who Moved My Beef?

Who Beefed?!

How’s the Beef?

How Is This Beef?

Beef, and How!

Beef, Beef, & More Beef!

Beef is Beef

Here’s Your Beef…

Where’s the Beef at?

Beef: Where Is It?

Where’s the Beef? -- ACCEPTED