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CASUAL PIMPIN': TWELVE TIGHT TUNES

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Thursday
Sep222011

VIDEO: My Vagina Monologue

In this video, directed by Michelle Walson, I perform my own vagina monologue. Not suitable for work or children. Enjoy!

Thursday
Sep152011

Voicemail Left for Scarlett Johansson

Hey, Scarlett, it’s Tim. Ellis. Heh, heh. What’s up?! I, uh, got your picture messages, so...just calling to say "hey." Great to hear from you! Wow, I guess I haven’t talked to you since that party at Woody’s. That guy...he's still my hero, even though he can be kinda creepy sometimes…but I guess you know that. Heh, heh. Oh, and sorry I haven't listened to your CD yet, but I will, I will! So, uh, give me a call, and let’s catch up. You know, talk about life…what it all means. Heh, heh. (Pause.) Thanks for the photos. Definitely a surprise! (Pause.) I don’t know if you know I’m married or not, or if you and Sean broke up, or you got me by mistake. Or maybe you just wanted to show me your photography…some nice shots there, Scarlett. (Pause.) Heh, heh. (Pause.) Anyway…give me a buzz. Lots to talk about! You have my number…K, bye.

Thursday
Sep082011

Adventures in Casual Dining

If you don’t know what a “casual dining” restaurant is, it’s basically the same as a fast-food restaurant, except they have table service and a full bar. To my mind (at least one part of it), that’s like a dream come true. I don’t seek them out, but I sometimes end up at these places while traveling. Like the time I ate at Chili’s two nights in a row, because it was the closest option to my upstate motel (a.k.a. “the lost weekend”).

Or another time when, for complicated reasons, my wife and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary at Ruby Tuesday's. (The reasons don’t involve me being cheap, unromantic, or disorganized, by the way.) I thoroughly enjoyed it: they have an impressive salad bar, the steak I ordered tasted good to me, and I threw back a couple of 22-oz. Sam Adams. What’s not to like? I suggested making it an annual affair. We could honor our union in a casual setting with lowbrow charm, proving that love doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant, I argued. Plus we'd get "uncompromising freshness & quality" and $2 off apps at the bar! I don’t know why she wouldn’t go for it.

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Monday
Aug292011

Tweeting in the Wind: My Hurricane Diary  

You might be wondering, “What was Tim’s hurricane experience like?” If you live in NYC, it was probably a lot like yours, only different. Here, for the benefit of posterity and historical documentation, is my firsthand account of Irene, told in reverse chronological order through tweets and Facebook updates (apparently that's how we do things now):

iamtimellis Tim Ellis

We now know: hurricanes cannot be stopped by sending an extraordinary amount of tweets about them. #irene

22 hours ago Favorite Reply Delete

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Thursday
Aug252011

My NYC Hurricane Preparedness Kit

 

Friday
Aug122011

Kardashian Names of the U.S. Presidents

 

While trying to keep up with the Kardashians (it’s not easy), I noticed an interactive feature on their web page that will tell you your Kardashian name. Apparently, everyone has one; you just have to look it up. In order to get a little ahead of the Kardashians, and as a public service, I decided to research the names of the 44 U.S. presidents. I publish them here as a matter of public record:

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