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CASUAL PIMPIN': TWELVE TIGHT TUNES

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Thursday
Nov032011

The Flatbread Sandwich Frontier

In honor of National Sandwich Day, 2011.

I don’t support the flat tax, but, like a lot of people nowadays, I want my sandwiches flat. Crispy and melty, pressed real thin. The flatter, the better, I say. For lunch today, I went to my local deli and ordered a turkey and Swiss. “Make it flat. Real flat,” I said. The guy behind the counter said, “We don’t do that. We just have regular sandwiches.” I said, “What?! Forget it. I’ve had it with your thick sandwiches!” I left and went to a place that sells paninis.

While ordering, I said, “Make mine extra flat, please…squash it.” The panini guy said, “How flat do you want it?” “How flat can you make it?” I asked. “Pretty flat,” he said, “we have a press.” He was up for a challenge. “OK,” I said, “can you make mine a millimeter thick?” Not flinching, he says, “I can try.” I say, “Actually, I’d like it four molecules thick—one molecule of meat, one molecule of cheese, and one molecule of bread on either side. Oh, and a molecule of mustard. So five. Make it so flat I can’t taste it!” The guy goes, “Let me ask my manger.”

I didn't get what I wanted, but that’s the way it is when you’re ahead of the sandwich curve. Some day they’ll have a sandwich so flat, it’ll have a negative mass. An anti-matter sandwich. It will eat you.

Tuesday
Oct252011

MUSIC VIDEO: Werewolves of Brooklyn

WATCH THE VIDEO ON YOUTUBE!

LISTEN & DOWNLOAD THE SONG (FREE)!
  Werewolves of Brooklyn by timelliscomedy

Song parody and video by Tim Ellis, featuring "Wolfman" Phil on guitar. Shot by Meeshmonster.

Thursday
Oct202011

Rejected Wendy's Slogans

Here are some advertising slogans considered by Wendy’s before finding one that clicked:

What’s the Beef?

What Is Beef?

Is This Beef?

When’s the Beef?

It’s Beef Time!

Who’s Got the Beef?

Who Moved My Beef?

Who Beefed?!

How’s the Beef?

How Is This Beef?

Beef, and How!

Beef, Beef, & More Beef!

Beef is Beef

Here’s Your Beef…

Where’s the Beef at?

Beef: Where Is It?

Where’s the Beef? -- ACCEPTED

Wednesday
Oct122011

T-Shirts for the Wealthiest Americans

I designed these tees for wealthy people to wear to the Occupy Wall Street protests and other social gatherings. (I figure the super-rich have disposable income, and they need to express themselves with pithy slogans, just like the rest of us.) Get all four designs!

Click to read more ...

Thursday
Oct062011

Tim Ellis to Replace Andy Rooney (Please?!)

I believe I am uniquely qualified to be Andy Rooney's replacement on 60 Minutes. To see why, just look around my blog, The Human Comedy of Tim Ellis. To support my cause, please "like" the Facebook page (above) and share it with friends!

Here are just a few of my qualifications: 

  1. I have bushy eyebrows.
  2. I’m great at complaining.
  3. I hold a Master’s in Curmudgeonry (M.C.) from an accredited university.
  4. I’m younger and “edgier” than Rooney. I think I could lower the average age of 60 Minutes viewers from 65 to at least 58.
  5. I collect a lot of useless doodads -- which I hate!
  6. It’s like with the Dalai Lama. Once in a generation the soul of a Rooney comes along. I believe I am the reincarnation of Rooney, even though he is still (technically) alive.
  7. I hate a lot of things, and I want to share my hate with the world, otherwise it might eat me alive.
  8. Did I mention my eyebrows? 

Yes, I started this petition myself. (If you don’t like it, then don’t “like” it.) I wouldn’t bother you if I didn’t think I was the person for the job. This is important. If they don’t replace Rooney soon, and with the right person, well, that would be very bad.

Let’s work together to make this happen for me!

P.S. If you know anyone who works at 60 Minutes, say Mike Wallace or Morley Safer or Leslie Stahl, please tell them how wonderful I would be as Andy’s replacement. Or if you have any dirt on Mo Rocca, please let me know, so I can work on smearing him, in case he gets the nod. Thank you for your support!

Wednesday
Sep282011

THE EXISTENTIAL LENS: Pizza on the Go

Pizza in a cone! What a great idea!

Oh, I guess not.