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(Episodes 1-4 are up now - more coming soon!)

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T-Shirts for the Wealthiest Americans

I designed these tees for wealthy people to wear to the Occupy Wall Street protests and other social gatherings. (I figure the super-rich have disposable income, and they need to express themselves with pithy slogans, just like the rest of us.) Get all four designs!

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Tim Ellis to Replace Andy Rooney (Please?!)

I believe I am uniquely qualified to be Andy Rooney's replacement on 60 Minutes. To see why, just look around my blog, The Human Comedy of Tim Ellis. To support my cause, please "like" the Facebook page (above) and share it with friends!

Here are just a few of my qualifications: 

  1. I have bushy eyebrows.
  2. I’m great at complaining.
  3. I hold a Master’s in Curmudgeonry (M.C.) from an accredited university.
  4. I’m younger and “edgier” than Rooney. I think I could lower the average age of 60 Minutes viewers from 65 to at least 58.
  5. I collect a lot of useless doodads -- which I hate!
  6. It’s like with the Dalai Lama. Once in a generation the soul of a Rooney comes along. I believe I am the reincarnation of Rooney, even though he is still (technically) alive.
  7. I hate a lot of things, and I want to share my hate with the world, otherwise it might eat me alive.
  8. Did I mention my eyebrows? 

Yes, I started this petition myself. (If you don’t like it, then don’t “like” it.) I wouldn’t bother you if I didn’t think I was the person for the job. This is important. If they don’t replace Rooney soon, and with the right person, well, that would be very bad.

Let’s work together to make this happen for me!

P.S. If you know anyone who works at 60 Minutes, say Mike Wallace or Morley Safer or Leslie Stahl, please tell them how wonderful I would be as Andy’s replacement. Or if you have any dirt on Mo Rocca, please let me know, so I can work on smearing him, in case he gets the nod. Thank you for your support!



Pizza in a cone! What a great idea!

Oh, I guess not. 


VIDEO: My Vagina Monologue

In this video, directed by Michelle Walson, I perform my own vagina monologue. Not suitable for work or children. Enjoy!


Voicemail Left for Scarlett Johansson

Hey, Scarlett, it’s Tim. Ellis. Heh, heh. What’s up?! I, uh, got your picture messages, so...just calling to say "hey." Great to hear from you! Wow, I guess I haven’t talked to you since that party at Woody’s. That guy...he's still my hero, even though he can be kinda creepy sometimes…but I guess you know that. Heh, heh. Oh, and sorry I haven't listened to your CD yet, but I will, I will! So, uh, give me a call, and let’s catch up. You know, talk about life…what it all means. Heh, heh. (Pause.) Thanks for the photos. Definitely a surprise! (Pause.) I don’t know if you know I’m married or not, or if you and Sean broke up, or you got me by mistake. Or maybe you just wanted to show me your photography…some nice shots there, Scarlett. (Pause.) Heh, heh. (Pause.) Anyway…give me a buzz. Lots to talk about! You have my number…K, bye.


Adventures in Casual Dining

If you don’t know what a “casual dining” restaurant is, it’s basically the same as a fast-food restaurant, except they have table service and a full bar. To my mind (at least one part of it), that’s like a dream come true. I don’t seek them out, but I sometimes end up at these places while traveling. Like the time I ate at Chili’s two nights in a row, because it was the closest option to my upstate motel (a.k.a. “the lost weekend”).

Or another time when, for complicated reasons, my wife and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary at Ruby Tuesday's. (The reasons don’t involve me being cheap, unromantic, or disorganized, by the way.) I thoroughly enjoyed it: they have an impressive salad bar, the steak I ordered tasted good to me, and I threw back a couple of 22-oz. Sam Adams. What’s not to like? I suggested making it an annual affair. We could honor our union in a casual setting with lowbrow charm, proving that love doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant, I argued. Plus we'd get "uncompromising freshness & quality" and $2 off apps at the bar! I don’t know why she wouldn’t go for it.

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