Saddest Thing I've Ever Seen

NEWS: Andy Kaufman's Funhouse Is a Very Very Very Fun House, Now at the PIT

I'm psyched to be a part of this show! They'll be screening a video of mine, which you may or may not have seen (hint: Ah-oooooooh!).* Performers include the delightful and brilliant Kristen Schaal of The Daily Show and 30 Rock. Details below...

New at the PIT -- a monthly show celebrating Andy's trademark alternative comedy...

The Andy Kaufman Fun House
Tuesday, May 1, 8 p.m. 

This multi-media show stars some of the past winners and finalists of the Andy Kaufman Award, including Kristen Schaal, Harrison Greenbaum, and Dan Crosley. It will also feature short videos by Improv Everywhere, Tim Ellis, and other comedians from around the country.

The Peoples Improv Theater
123 E. 24th Street (btw. Park & Lexington Aves.)
New York, NY 

Tix: $15, available at http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/242334

Update on Wednesday, May 2, 2012 at 10:12AM by Tim

* See the video, Werewolves of Brooklyn, ON YOUTUBE.

Going Green on Law & Order: SVU

In honor of Earth Day this Sunday, I'm re-posting this clip from Law & Order: SVU, in which I play an eco-friendly volunteer. I hope it inspires everyone to Go Green!

Click to read more ...

Tax Day: The Thrill Is Gone

Now that I’m a mature adult (married-filing-jointly) and do my returns online, I miss some of the old rituals of Tax Day -- that annual celebration of the art of procrastination. Until recently, I used to wait until April 15, then embark on a daylong reconnaissance mission -- finding forms, rounding up W-2s and 1099s, and unearthing receipts in exotic locations in my apartment. By 10:30 p.m., I would have calculated my salary, wages, and tips, itemized my deductions, checked "no" to a gift to wildlife, and I'd be ready to go -- to the main post office at 33rd Street and Eight Avenue in Manhattan, which is open all night.

One year when I arrived, the TV news was there on the steps, interviewing some of the procrastinators. People had set up Chinese massage chairs and were offering stress relief for a few bucks. A group showed up with banners and bullhorns to protest the war. The Lyndon LaRouche folks were there, promoting Lyndon LaRouche. (This was before the Tea Party existed.) Some old ladies were selling homemade cookies at a card table. There was a display with free samples of Knorr's instant cup-a-soup, and California Pizza Kitchen was giving away free pizza. You see, if I had done my taxes early, I would've missed out on this stuff.

There was even a show! A group of drag queens came prancing down the steps wearing huge wigs, sequined gowns, and feather boas. One of them was carrying a boom box blasting "You Gotta Work" by Ru Paul. I looked around at the carnival and thought, “These are my people -- misfits, thrill-seekers, low-level hucksters, master dilly-dalliers. God bless us, every one. This is probably the closest I'll ever get to Woodstock.” Then one of the drag queens nudged me and said, "Honey, you better get that postmarked."

He or she was right. It was 11:55, but I wasn’t ready. I wanted to go to the edge. I wandered over to the pizza table and tried a cold slice of the BBQ chicken pizza, which really hit the spot. I talked to someone about the Yankees' starting rotation. I made my way inside and approached one of the postal workers standing by a giant bin with her rubber stamp. It was 11:59. She gave me a look of "Come on, hurry up!" I presented my envelopes. She took them, but I still held on. I looked up at the clock, the second hand making its way uphill. This is it, I thought: the total edge of human lateness. The Eagles song "Take It to the Limit" played in my head. "Let go," she said. "It's time." 

I'm pretty sure my returns were postmarked after midnight, but they still got in. I like to imagine I'm one of a few people alive who can say that. Outside, looking down on Madison Square Garden, I felt all the tension release from my body. I'd been to the mountaintop. I'd stolen fire from the gods, tempted their wrath, and returned to tell other mortals my tale.

Now I use TurboTax.

A Baseball Story (for Opening Day)

In honor of Major League Baseball’s opening day today, I thought I would post an early story of mine about Red Sox Hall-of-Famer Jim Rice. Below are the original manuscript pages, followed by the complete annotated text:

A Stranger, but a Friend at the Door
by Tim Ellis

Click to read more ...

Call Me "Comedy God"

(A script for a commercial parody that I’m too busy/lazy/technically inept to actually make.)

Shot of a young, cool-looking GUY on in front of a theater. He’s framed with eyes outside the shot -- to give him an “every guy” quality, and so that the actor playing him can be paid less. He speaks into his iPhone. Siri, the voice of the phone, answers him. Apple-y music swirls in background.

GUY: Where can I take an improv class?

SIRI: Do you mean long-form or short-form?

Cut to Guy at home.

GUY: Who was in Wet, Hot American Summer?

SIRI: I’ll look that up for you. Again.

A quick succession of shots…

GUY: How do I get on SNL?

GUY: What’s a Harold?

GUY: Is it too late to make a Shit People Say video?

SIRI: Yes.

Shot of Guy in coffee shop.

GUY: Add “Psychopathic Maniac” to my list of sketch group names.

SIRI: That’s not good.

GUY: What?

SIRI: Nothing. I’ll do that for you.

Shot of Guy in bar.

GUY: How can I get a job on Fallon from my Twitter?

SIRI: If I knew, I wouldn’t be working here.

Shot of Guy in another bar.

GUY: Tell Phil and Ben I’ll be doing a set at the Laugh Hole tonight.

SIRI: Done.

GUY: Oh, and tell them there’s a two-drink minimum.

SIRI: Is this a bringer? Oh, no.

Shot of Guy performing in a comedy club. He makes a joke (either about racial stereotypes, masturbation, porn, rape, AIDS, or online dating). He comments on the audience not liking the joke.

GUY: Too edgy for you?

Shot of Guy outside club. 

GUY: From now on, call me “Comedy God.”

SIRI: No, I won’t. You obnoxious, unfunny human. OK?

Insert iPhone and Apple branding. Flash title in small type: “Does not reflect actual use of product.”

_____

If you haven't seen the original commercial, here it is: iPhone TV Ad
And here's a popular parody someone actually made: iPhone TV Ad Parody